Sunday, November 7, 2010

Growing Pains

Ah, lezzie's they grow up so fast....

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Before I knew it my own summer of lust was ending and I was on my way home back to Virginia.
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To say that my next two years of high-school were awkward may be an understatement.
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This is preferably where I would insert a story of triumph and courage in the face of adversity. 
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However, (I'm sad to say) when it came to high-school I don't really have any. It's not that I shelved every part of my summer at Sexplo (puh-leeze), but my journals from that time are a mix of boy and girl craziness.
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I was fascinated by guys and yet always found myself having to mentally prepare when it came to intimacy (see: beyond first base).
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On the other hand I also wanted to be with women,
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but I didn't want to add to my already eccentric reputation.
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Somehow I thought that if I could just make eyes long enough at the few out girls in school, maybe they would notice and lend a helping hand.
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How were they to know? 
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Some attempts I made at keeping it awkwardly real:

  • Cutting my hair into a baby dyke cut on several occasions.
  • Watching every gay/lez movie I could find in search of helpful tips.
  • Befriending the few openly gay girls at school.
  • Falling for one of the tough bad asses of the group only to find out she was dating another closeted friend (insert epic heartbreak here).
  • Dressing like a British school boy on a regular basis. 
  • Falling for the same straight girl all of my male friends liked.

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  • Reading all of the feminist lit. and listening to all of the female, tear your panties off with my guitar, music I could find. 
  • Worrying if I was supposed to like my bestie just because I liked girls. (Note: This is a common newbie mistake, it's okay either way.)
  • Developing crushes on and dating femme boys.

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Somehow in the midst of all of this I just kept hoping (and not hoping) that someone might just call me out in some embarrassing undeniable way.
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Still how could they when I wasn't even fully out with myself?
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At that age I wasn't really sure if it was just a phase or maybe a fetish that I could out grow (Oh, how that Southern Baptist guilt even got to the liberal Jewish kids.).
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I assumed that since I enjoyed the company of guys that I could also enjoy having sex with them just as much as women. Right?
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However, my past still dogged me. So I decided to try and find a way to leave home again the following summer. 
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That summer I left for a theater internship at Vassar College (gay, gay, GAY!), with participants ranging in age from 17 to around 40.
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Every person had their own dorm room (YES!). Which meant that so as long as everyone pulled their weight we were pretty much left to our own devices.
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Finally my summer of love was here and this time I was not going to screw things up.  













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